did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Watching her eat just hurts me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
