Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
