I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
