Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
