so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
