Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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