4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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