Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
