hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
