you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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