how can u be prego again
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's rum buckets o'clock
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
