Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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