Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
