They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
