I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize