He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
