the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
