My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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