seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
