I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
