I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
