I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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