nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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