that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
