hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Houston, we have a squirter
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
