So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
