new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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