Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
