I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
