i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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