I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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