Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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