I need to stop coming to work sober
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize