closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
