then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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