I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize