So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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