my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
