im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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