Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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