Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I party with great urgency now.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
