An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
