Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
