The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
