oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
