I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize