your thong is hanging out like whoa
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
