Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Randomize
