the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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