I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
