So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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