I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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