My friends, they love my intelligence
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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