i used baking grease as lip gloss
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
