South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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