420 ftw
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
