His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
