God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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