She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
