I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
