My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
