is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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