Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
