First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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