She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
