Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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