I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
