Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
