mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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