I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize